The term parental alienation is a term that confuses parents across the UK, given that it is not a term that appears regularly in family law, and so, not so many people know what it is. In fact, even though it may be happening to them, not many parents would even realise it, or they know something is happening, and they dismiss it as feelings. This is to say that term ‘parental alienation’ is yet to pierce the veil in our day-to-day conversations and understanding. This is very critical, which is why we want to tell you everything there is to know about parental alienation, plus what you can do about it if you notice it. Let’s begin by telling you what this alienation is first.
What is parental alienation?
In very simple terms, parental alienation can be referred to as the situation where one parent does things, which we can call brainwashing, programming, or alienation, with the intent of making the child dislike the other parent, thereby not wanting to see or spend time with them. Or the kids start being resistant or hostile towards that other parent for no apparent reason. If you start experiencing this, just know that the kids could be psychologically manipulated and there is something that you can do about it, legally.
Examples of parental alienation
Here is the thing, parental alienation is sometimes hard to actually pinpoint when it is happening, but there is a feeling that the parent would have to understand what’s really happening. This will be a result of a number of behavioural traits from the child, which we will take a look at in a few. As a parent, do you feel as though your kid is withdrawing from you? Or is the relationship between the two of you becoming less positive every other day? If so, you should keep an eye on the following parental alienation syndrome signs for confirmation before you take any step:
- Negative comments from just nowhere
- Defiance and disrespectful behaviour towards you
- Blaming you for their own feelings of loss
- Having the kids start to question your loyalty to them
- Having the kids start to be emotionally disconnected from you.
Remember, for all these behaviours to be classified as parental alienation, there has to be a connection between these traits and the second parent – that the second parent has been manipulating the child. It’s not difficult to figure this out. In fact, some of these behaviours might actually be blatant to the point where the children are actually repeating exactly what the alienating parent is saying to them about you. You have to keep one thing in your mind though, the behaviour change in your kids can just be their typical behaviours as kids given that by nature, children can be fickle, and can actually have a favourite parent, and can also be a bit stubborn, but this doesn’t mean that they are being alienated.
Now, having said this, you might be wondering, how then can you differentiate between behaviour depicting parental alienation with those that don’t? Well, don’t worry as that’s what we will take a look at next.
How can you differentiate between alienation from normal behaviour?
Up to this point, you certainly are aware of some of the behavioural traits that could portray parental alienation, but we also said that it is possible what you are seeing from your kids is typical behaviour that all kids tend to have at a young age. So, how can you tell which is which? We have included 4 ways through which you can try to understand what it is:
First, how was your relationship with the child before the behaviour began? Maybe before all these happened, there was a pretty healthy relationship between you and your child, but all over sudden, that’s when you started to notice a change of behaviour. You have always been present in his or er life, in all aspects, and then all over sudden, without no reasonable cause, he or she starts becoming distant, and probably your relationship with your ex isn’t that good. In this case, everything then points to it being parental alienation. However, if there is that change in behaviour but there is a reasonable explanation behind it, and even let’s say, he or she is behaving this way to the other parent as well, then you can rule out alienation.
Secondly, if you have never mistreated your child, or have no history of malice in your parenting, and then the behaviours start, it could also be parental alienation. But you might want to investigate further before you come to this conclusion.
Thirdly, abusive behaviour towards the favoured parent can also contribute to the change of behaviour. The thing is, there are so many kids out there who grew up in abusive homes, where one parent was constantly abusing the other parent, especially in front of the kids. In this case, if the parents separate, of course, the kids will distance themselves from the abusive parent, and this can’t be said to be alienation. However, if the favoured parent starts to speak ill of the other parent in his or her absence, it can be seen as parental alienation. But one has to prove that indeed there were ill talks about the other parent, for your case to be admitted as parental alienation.
Fourthly, be keen on their behaviours, as alienated children will always behave differently compared to realistically estranged kids. There are some behaviours that might indicate parental alienation such as:
- Denigration of the targeted parent
- Absurd reasons offered for rejection
- Lack of remorse for cruel treatment
- The kid viewing one parent as good and the other one as evil, for no good reason.
- In case of a tiny dispute among the parents, the child always favours one parent.
- The child using words that you suspect did not come from him or her, based on what the he/she said, and the words used.
If you notice any of these behaviours, then it is highly likely parental alienation is involved, and you should probably see a lawyer about it.
What does the UK law say about parental alienation?
Unfortunately, there is no clause in the UK law that deals with parental alienation, in specific. However, in a situation where the manipulation jeopardises the child’s welfare, then the court will definitely come in. The truth is, in the UK, the law always presumes that a positive relationship between the parents is always in a child’s best interests, and so, the court will always prioritise the child’s welfare in all cases brought before it. So, if you think that your child is a victim of parental alienation, and you do believe that his or her welfare is suffering as a result, there are legal steps that you can take:
First, you can apply to a court for a child arrangement order, which basically allows you to spend more time with your child. And if the parent’s manipulation has resulted in the child’s emotional breakdown, the court might even grant you full custody of the child – because like we said, family courts in the UK will always consider the child’s best interest in their decisions.
Secondly, you can apply for a Prohibited Steps Order, especially if you believe that based on how the other parent is manipulating the child against you, he/she might attempt to make major decisions regarding the child such as changing the child’s name, changing his/her school, or even moving, just to ensure that you two don’t see each other anymore. In this case, the court might issue an order to a local authority or Cafcass – which is a British non-departmental body that promotes the welfare of families and children involved in a family court process – to investigate and write a report recommending how the court should handle the case.
Lastly, you can apply for the court to issue a family assistance order. Basically, what this does is bring some order to how the parents are relating with each other, especially when the kids are involved, and this includes not speaking negatively of each other to the children. For any parent who violates the court order, then an enforcement application can be made, where the parent culpable might even lose custody.
Signs of parental alienation from the other parent
We have talked about looking for signs of alienation from your kids, you know, to know whether the other parent is manipulating him or her to turn against you. But did you know that you can also pick behavioural signs from the parent him/herself? Yes, you can! In fact, here are some of the signs you should keep an eye on:
- Every time you try to talk to your child, either on the phone or online, your ex is always getting in the way, always telling you that the kid is busy, or is uninterested in talking to you.
- When you get a chance to talk to your child, the ex is very controlling about the interactions, where he or she keeps monitoring all the messages, phone calls or any other interactions between you two
- When you are successful in setting a date to spend time with your child, that’s when your ex plans special activities with the same child. When this happens, it could be possible there is parental alienation involved.
- When there is a co-parenting agreement in place and the ex keeps violating it, to which even after being ordered to respect it, they keep violating it nevertheless. Or, he or she refuses to compromise on contact, even on reasonable flexibility. For instance, maybe it’s your birthday, and even with your child being free, the ex refuses to allow her to come just because it’s not your day to be with them.
- Your ex starts to keep secrets regarding the child. These are things like medical information, school data, or basically any other info relating to her. What this does is lock you out of the kids’ life.
If you notice any of these behaviours, you need to keep a record of everything happening, so that just in case you will need it when trying to prove your case, you will be able to access it.
Documenting parental alienation
As we just mentioned earlier, it is very important for you to keep a record of everything happening, especially immediately after you start noticing some of these signs, either from the ex, or the child. Because the sooner you acknowledge the odd behaviour, the less damaging it will actually be to your kids. Now, when documenting parental alienation, you should point towards constant behaviour, and not just isolated incidents. And make sure that you save every bit of evidence which will help you in building a much stronger case. You can either use your phone, emails, or even online – maybe screenshot some of these data, because remember, the more accurate the evidence, the better. And if you are able to correct the context of some of these behaviours, it would be better as well. You can also talk to people who know the child – other than the parent, of course – such as teachers or neighbours to try and find out more about the child’s sudden behaviour. These people could be of crucial importance to your case. All this information will then be used to explain to the court how the welfare of the child is at risk if the alienation is to continue.
Get legal advice
In many parental alienation cases, you find that one parent keeps telling a lot of false accusations against the other parent, mostly to the child. If you are the one being accused, you should take these accusations very seriously – you shouldn’t let them stand. Such accusations can cause damage that you won’t be able to come back from. If the accusations are quite serious, you can involve the police and the social services to try and clear your name. And if you have evidence of parental alienation, you can get a family attorney who will guide you on the next step to take to make things right.
How can you prevent parental alienation from happening?
If you are wondering if there is a way you can prevent alienation from happening in the first place, the answer is yes, you can. And here is how you can actually do it:
- Be aware of the signs – the moment you start to notice the signs of parental alienation syndrome, you have to intervene before everything escalates. It’s quite unfortunate when it gets to a point where parents can’t speak positively about each other, and sometimes they do this in front of the kids. The problem is that the kids can pick some of these things up, and they can have a huge emotional impact on them. Remember, parental alienation can either be intentional or unintentional, so in any case, be sure to catch it early.
- Never act in anger – getting angry is normal, but when you are feeling frustrated with your partner for possible alienation, never take any action when you are angry as you might actually make things worse with the child. So, instead of you lashing out against your partner, come down first. Remember, adult disputes always have a negative psychological impact on kids, and the effects could be long-term. Also, a bad reaction could actually reinforce everything he or she might have been told about you. So, always solve your issues with civility.
- Document all concerning behaviours – whenever you start to notice behavioural changes, you need to keep a record of when they happened so that if you need to correct something, you can actually pinpoint when it actually happened.
- Speak to a lawyer – if you start to feel like you are being alienated, you better take action early, and so, a lawyer will definitely come in handy. He or she will tell you the options you have, so that whichever decision you decide to take, it will be well-informed, and will make things better.
Final thought
Parental alienation is quite unfortunate, as it gravely affects the child’s well-being and when it happens, it can be hard to prove or see. But since we have given you the most common signs of parental alienation syndrome, at least now you have an idea of what to look for. We have also given you a few measures on how to overcome it, but if you want to take legal action against the instigator, talk to a family law solicitor today.
[…] Parental alienation – in the UK, the law encourages kids to have frequent and regular contact with their parents, which is why co-parenting agreements are legally recognised in the country. Under these agreements, parents do share visitation and custody rights, and both of them are legally bound to follow the custody agreement already in place. Now, mothers who attempt to tarnish the image of the other co-parent to the kids, or attempt to withhold the kids physically from the other parent, will be guilty of parental alienation, which could result in her losing custodial rights. You know, there are mothers who tend to make degrading or derogatory remarks about the other parent to the kids, just to turn them against the parent, which is completely unacceptable. You may also find mothers who deliberately plan important trips or appointments when the father won’t be available, just to try and lock him out of the kids’ life. This is also categorised as parental alienation, and if the father was to keep detailed notes of all these actions, he can use them as evidence against her, and the mother could have her custodial rights limited, or she could lose the rights altogether. […]
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From my experience, the non resident parent is normally the one who suffers from the effects of parental alienation. Im in that situation. I haven’t seen my children for over ten months, purely because my ex refuses every single date that I propose having them….over 70 rejections this year alone. I am concerned that the longer my children dont spend time with me, the less likely they are to want to. I have raised the issue with social services, sent them the latest thinking regarding parental alienation as domestic/child abuse, but they aren’t interested in the slightest.